07.28.07
When Life Kicks You in the Head…
Usually I’m one for saying “Healing doesn’t have to hurt.” I still agree with that. It doesn’t have to hurt. But sometimes it does. Sometimes life delivers a good kick in the head and it is bothersome. Life doesn’t do that for fun, it does it when people aren’t listening to it. It is important to listen to life. Life can communicate gently and peacefully, but ultimately it will do what is necessary to get its message across.
This week I could say I got a good kick in the head from life. That awoke in me quite a few realizations of the way I had been thinking and being and how I needed to change some of my internal environment.
Thankfully I have a few very helpful and people in my life. Using the Yuen Method we cut through the underlying causes. Using meditation I was able to reflect on what needed to change in myself and to re attune to my spiritual source.
After spending a good week feeling unsettled and anxious, I had a good night’s sleep last night. I had pleasant dreams. I awoke up early, joyfully.
I attribute this to the fact that I seriously took stock of how I was living and thinking and made a firm commitment to change. I must say I’ve tried this in the past couple of years, but it did not stick. There is a difference this time. I now know why I need to be different. Before I didn’t know the why, and so there was no real energy behind the commitment. As I’ve said before, knowing the why is very important. It somehow takes the struggle out of the process of becoming the goal.
I’ve both implied and said this before too, what happens to me in my life is the result of my own actions and thoughts. However, reassuring it might initially feel to blame someone else, that just skirts around the issue and ignores the real source of my experiences. Both pleasure and pain are the result of my internal states. They come to me because something in me attracts them.
I have a friend who has often said, that “it is not you I’m worried about, it’s the other guy.” An example might be one could be a perfect driver but some nut will come along and smash up your car. So it wasn’t your fault it was the other guy’s. There is no other guy. If it is within myself than I will experience it. If it is not, then I will not.
I’ve often been afraid to admit that understanding out loud, for fear that some cosmic law called, “Let’s Prove Ryan Wrong” would go into effect. Well…that may be. If I have that concept within my consciousness it has the potential to occur. Same thing applies.
Last night I dreamt I was sleeping in a bedroom at my father’s parent’s (now deceased) house. Mostly I associated them with unhappiness and strife, as that is how I knew them in life. But in this dream it was peaceful. I knew they were no longer alive, and I got up from bed and wandered through the living room and kitchen down stairs to the basement where I knew Melissa was. Before reaching the basement I was slightly afraid I would see the ghost of my grandmother. I kept going. At the top of the stairs I could see candlelight flickering in the basement. I would say it was wintertime and probably chilly outside. At the bottom of the stairs, I saw Melissa sitting in the middle of the room with decorated christmas trees all around her, two candles lit and a slew of decorations everywhere. She looked up at me and said, “I finally got to airing out under the bar and found all these. Did you know they were there?” She was indicating all the decorations. It was a very happy feeling.
Alcoholism was a known problem in my dad’s side of the family. Hence, the reference to the bar. When I woke up this morning from that dream I had a sense that underneath all the crap (the negativity and alcoholism of my father’s family) there is good and there is beauty and there is peace (The Christmas decorations), and that we can choose to see either.
For the longest while I felt that I had to experience both the good and the bad to be whole. Now I know that there is no need to create or experience drama or problems. Good and bad are just words. An experience is an experience. The label doesn’t change that. To be whole requires being whole. It doesn’t have to be conditioned.
